I was meeting with my bishop and to start off, he summarized my situation and the things that we talked about the last time we met. "...And instead of saying, 'Screw the Church!' and leaving, you've decided to stay because you have this testimony. And in the meantime, the best you can really hope for is a B+ kind of a situation." Well, I don't remember exactly how he said it but I thought he described my situation very well. The main point I want to make is his mention of this B+, something he brought up several times throughout the meeting.
I fully agreed that I am shooting for a B+. An A grade would mean getting married to someone I'm fully attracted to. My B+ would be either a mixed-orientation marriage that works or a worthy, single life in the Church (Note that these grades are self evaluations of happiness and success, not evaluations of worthiness from the Church). And as far as I'm concerned, any option outside the Church is a failing grade. I told the bishop that I'm okay with a B+ (Incidentally, that might end up being my average grade from this hellish semester).
So then, after getting home, I was watching a very good, three part recording on youtube of a recent meeting with Dr. Ted Lyon at BYU. I strongly recommend watching it-- at least the first segment and perhaps his final testimony in part three. Show me a humble man and I'll show you a man who has my complete respect.
In the first part, he says:
People ask me, "Have you seen a change in BYU students over the years?" One thing that I can say is that there is an incredible amount of gradism at BYU now that didn't used to exist. You don't know what gradism is, do you? Requiring high grades; you're smart and you have to have good grades. If I give an A- on a paper, a student is upset and wants to know why, and a B+ is a bad grade. It didn't used to be that way. I could give Cs and Bs without too much serious problem. That's been an amazing change that I've seen. People come with a very high expectation of getting very high grades. I hope you don't fit into that category. I hope you're learning for learning.
I didn't think anything of his words when I first heard them, but later I was in the kitchen, drinking Cherry Coke that belongs to my roommate who went home for Christmas today. And I remembered the last part, "I hope you're learning for learning."
I'd love an A+ life. Boy howdy I would. Instead of being so focused on the grade, though, I hope to get to the point where I'm more focused on what I'm learning. Life may never be ideal. I want to be okay with that.
