Notes From All Over

I'm posting tonight mainly just to post, because it's been forever and I keep meaning to.
  • Around the beginning of April, my therapist had me consider whether reading so many Moho blogs was the best decision for me, since it exposed me to so many of the negative thoughts and experiences that people have. I wondered if the blogs had filled an important role in my earlier stages of coming to terms with myself (that of helping me understand that there are so many others like me) but that my needs were evolving past that point. As a result, I thinned down the list of blogs I read to only those with generally positive, pro-gospel themes.

  • For some reason I also happened to stop reading blogs altogether at that time. Tonight I finally caught up with them, and I'm happy to say that things seem good. It's probably largely due to the fact that I don't read depressing blogs, but it makes me happy to see others who are making it and are sharing their thoughts. I've become pretty disillusioned with the Moho community in general but there are individuals whom I really look up to.

  • I bookmarked a post called Moderation by Original Mohomie because it was just spot on. I also bookmarked this post on a newer blog because I just loved L's heartfelt comment to it. It reminded me of the writing style of The Perks of Being a Wallflower.

  • I watched the movie Crash for the first time recently. Twice. I think it's my second favorite movie, behind Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind.

  • Coming home from my short vacation at home, I had a layover in Las Vegas. I decided to buy a magazine and after considering all of my options, I settled on Details. It manages to be interesting and not too gay at the same time. I'm thinking of getting a subscription but I'm upset that I just barely missed the issues with Zac Efron and Hayden Christensen on the covers! Some luck!

  • I made a new friend from Malaysia through that chat thing on the side of my blog. I've also become great friends with a few new Mohos. I find it wonderful to be able to help them out in ways that I was helped by other people just a year ago, while receiving help and encouragement from them at the same time. Unfortunately I face the difficult decision of whether rooming with SSA guys is going to be the most beneficial step for me right now.

  • These new friendships have got me thinking again of something I've occasionally considered in the past: When all is said and done, is it better or worse for a person struggling with SSA to meet others like him? I look at the amazing experiences I've had and the personal growth I've experienced as a direct result of having friends in the community and I want to say YES! But I look around me and see almost no one who escapes the new temptations unscathed, and I see everyone leaving their testimonies behind, and I wonder if they couldn't have made it work by staying away in the first place.

    It's certainly a conundrum. I feel like the healing that comes through associating with others is necessary for almost everyone. But the almost inevitable results are impossible to forgive. It's a necessary impossibility. Or something like that.

    Maybe the answer lies in having just a few close, trusted friends from whom you can get emotional support and fulfillment. This sounds like the best solution for me about now, at least as I work through my issues and toward getting my needs met through relationships with OSA guys. I guess it's a case of danger in numbers. The trick is to find those few close friends, those with similar goals, and to be there for each other. Besides, that's what always worked for me in life anyway.

  • I love flavored Tootsie Rolls!


drex said...

It's not really our place to judge what is best for others, just for ourselves - and for that reason, I have a hard time deciding whether it's a good or bad thing for guys with SSA to meet other guys with SSA. On the one hand, you have those with great experiences who come out with stronger testimonies and a support structure that helps them get through their struggles, and on the other hand you get those who fall away from the church and lose their testimonies. I believe that's the wrong way to go about things, but for some I think that it's a necessary step in their own progression.

And on the other hand (look mom, three hands!), so much of a person's journey seems to be contingent on who his first contact is within the community, or at least who he keeps company with for the first while. Meeting someone else helps with the process of coming to terms with things, coming out to family and friends, and having someone to ask questions of.

Meh. I'm out of steam.

Anonymous said...

Do you enjoy screwing over your old friends? I remember when you said to me that my friendship was really important to you and now you never talk to me. I miss your friendship.

Anonymous said...

I'm not the same person as above, but I definitely feel the same.

Something you said in an email once, about how "I really do want you to be my friend" that somehow forgot to come true.

Funny how your words can come back to bite you: "I wanted to take better control of where I was going in life, though I never meant to completely shut you out."

Well, hope you enjoy that newfound control because, frankly, we're sick of being screwed in our efforts to be your friend.

Anonymous said...

Hey!! This is your Malaysian friend here! I just happened to be here and read your new post! I like it! I'm happy to have you as a friend and i hope you enjoyed the Japanese CD as much as i do! ;-)

Alan said...

An insightful post, Calvin. Thanks for the links to the other blogs, also very thought-provoking. I understand your concerns with whether reaching out to others in the MoHo community might end up with a little more reaching than may be good. I think that's a choice each must make for himself, knowing his own strengths and weaknesses. Your last point about finding friendships of solid emotional intimacy is where I end up as well. I hope you keep posting, I've been impressed with your reasoned and intelligent approach.

boskers said...




心理学を勉強してるのか? 面白そう。



Bravone said...

Just found your blog. I can tell you are a quality individual.

playasinmar said...

By all means: never spend any time with gay people. That's good advice. You might meet a well-adjusted gay. And what if he's cute!

I don't think quack therapists are trained for that.

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