Nothing in Particular

Visiting my blog tonight, I was pleasantly surprised to see a comment on the last post asking why I don't write anymore. It's your lucky day, anonymous, because I've decided to finally just write something. I've been wanting to post for several weeks but always put it off, like it's some sort of paper for school. Maybe all the talk of procrastination in General Conference had some small effect. Wait, no... I'm supposed to be writing two papers for tomorrow but am up until 3:00 blogging instead.

I don't really know what to talk about, but I think it'll be good to just let some things out before I go crazy. It may be too late.

There are a lot of good things about life. Living with (Moho) friends is super. It's the first time I've lived with actual friends at school, so home is a relaxed atmosphere rather than a lonely trap full of awkward silences. And I can completely be myself with no fears. If I want to watch a review of red carpet fashions, I do it. If I feel like listening to Britney's new song, I do it.

Hmm, I'm having trouble thinking of other good things. School is fine-- I'm pretty much keeping up as much as I need to and enjoying having every other day off. I'm on a full tuition scholarship and just remembered that I had mentioned my homosexuality on the scholarship application. That means either that they didn't read it or that God doesn't hate gays! I'm still looking for a job but not really LOOKING for a job, you know? Sometimes I feel like I want to go volunteer somewhere but I really need to earn money to pay my dad back for my Japan program and at least partially for my new Scion xD.

I was trying to update my Facebook profile tonight and it annoyed me how difficult it is. I spent forever trying to find a photo of me that I didn't hate. Then I stared at the "Interests" and "Activities" sections, trying to think of anything I could put. It made me kind of realize that not much else is happening in my life. I'm not someone who gets bored (at least not when I'm by myself), but there's not much I could say I'm doing.

In some ways, I feel like I'm changing back into a kind of pre-April me, or at least a combination of pre-April me with a newer me. I feel like I've kind of fallen out of the happy Moho world I was living in a few months ago. I realize that spring/summer was spring/summer and frequent activities aren't too feasible anymore, but outside of my roommates, I rarely see anyone. I never had very close friendships with most people, but being in the same place with them helped me feel like I belonged. I recognize that it's largely my fault. I'm never good at initiating things or doing my part to keep friendships going strong, but it's still sad to see the relationships fade. I enjoy the meetings at the Matis home every month, but even there my inability to mingle or talk to new people gets exposed and I find myself praying that those I came with will let me get away.

It all begins to feel like the time before April, when I'd occasionally hit patches of despair and wonder why things had to be so difficult. Admittedly, some of the reasons why I'm finding things difficult again have changed slightly. Before, it was more of a "I'm lonely and I hurt" feeling. But last week I was walking to my first class and very nearly began crying because I felt like I wasn't allowed to be really happy, to be in a fulfilling relationship. I think all of the Sunstone sessions I've been listening to have been affecting me strangely. I'm pretty conservative still, though!

I guess I don't mind too much that I'm reverting to pre-April mode, because back then I was pretty good at relying on the Lord for everything. My prayers were always full of heartfelt pleading, and I had reached the point where I found myself thanking Heavenly Father for the trial. Between the tough times, I felt like was able to "make it". More recently, not only has the pleading been reduced, I doubt I even gave much thought to whether I was "making it" or not.

I don't think I have sufficient reason to return to the Counseling Center yet, but I'm looking forward to talking to my bishop and seeing what happens. I've never told a bishop anything before.

Good books, great music, a few wonderful friends, downloaded movies, sleeping in, haircuts, good cologne, Robert Millet's Institute lessons, Spider Solitaire, Goldfish crackers, new car smell, Halloween costume ideas, inside jokes, Heroes, hugs-- those are the things that make everything okay. Now I'd better get to my homework.


drex said...

Yeah, we should hang out sometime other than when our psych group has to meet. :P

Mallory said...

I enjoyed this weekend ... but maybe we should talk sometime soon.

Remus said...

i haven't seen you in so long! Romulus and I have to come hang out with you guys sometime...

Romulus said...

I'm glad that you're back on! And as I said before, I really really need to get together with your roommates. I miss you guys.