I hate that I never post because I overthink my ideas for posts.

I love my mom and dad and my sisters and my brother.

I love my friends.

I love inside jokes.

I love movies that make me cry.

I love chocolate cake and string cheese and salt and vinegar chips and Coke.

I love sleeping.

I love Japan.

I love good memories.

I hate that I'm gay and Mormon.  I really do.  I hate that I hate God sometimes for that.

I hate that sometimes I don't want to pray.  I hate that sometimes the only prayer I can say is "Help me" over and over and over.

I hate that my patriarchal blessing talks about having a wife and kids and how it makes me wonder if I did something wrong or if it's all just made up.

I hate that my bishop, one of the few people in the world I look up to, was just released.  I hate that I don't know how my new bishop will react to what I tell him.

I hate that other gay Mormons can easily decide what to do with their lives.

I hate that so far my bishop has spent at least $7500 on reparative therapy for me and that it could be my fault that it's not working.  I hate that I couldn't do the workbook because I don't really remember my childhood and that now my social phobia is hindering me from progressing.

I hate that I might be more socially comfortable with medication but I don't have health insurance.  I hate that my therapist isn't a normal therapist.

I hate that I don't have insurance because I don't have a job, because I can't get a job.  I hate that I can barely handle job interviews.  I hate that I sweat too much.  I hate that there's something about me that interviewers don't like.

I hate that I can't make friends.  I hate that after four years of college I never made friends with any of my roommates and that I made only one friend on my mission.  I hate that after three years in the same ward, I don't like going to church because I don't have friends there.

I hate that there are plenty of people who would be my friend if I just knew how to do it.  I hate that when friends assure me I have friends and tell me what they like about me, it makes no difference.

I hate that I'm not comfortable enough to dance in people's living rooms.

I hate that spending money makes me feel better.  I hate that I'm 25 and spending my parents' money.  I hate that I feel like I only waste people's time and money and don't contribute anything to anyone.

I hate that when I'm already having a crappy night, I go to the grocery store and I get sad when I see all the young couples and I have to fight back tears in the bread isle.

I hate that everything about me feels broken.

I hate that I think about killing myself sometimes.  I hate that I can't kill myself because people would be really sad.

I hate that I believe that there is truly no solution to my gay-Mormon dilemma.

I hate that the person that lives below me probably hears me when I pace.

I hate that this is how I think when I let myself stop and think.

23 comments:

playasinmar said...

Sounds like a pretty typical jaunt through reparative therapy. Have fun with that. And the suicide that comes with it.

It's a shame. It would have been so nice to go to a grocery store and see you holding hands with someone you love.

Oh well, I guess happiness really isn't for everybody.

Sean said...

Dear Calvin,

I wanted to say that I love you lots and will always consider you a friend.

Also, most of us have the same problems you do. It may look like it is easy to make a decision about what to do with your life, but it takes years and a lot of pain and heartache. It just doesn't come easily to choose what to do with your life, especially with two parts of your life that have been with you your whole life. Maybe it's time for you to step back from everything, including your friends, and take a break. Take time to figure out what you truly want in life. Don't let anyone sway you in your decision making process. After all, it is your life and your choice of what you want to do with it. Anyways, I wish you luck and hope you can figure everything out.

Best wishes,
Sean

j4k said...

Hey Calvin, I just found your blog and read most of it.

Just a couple of thoughts, I'm sorry things are tough right now. It really can suck.

I'm impressed with how you've stuck with your convictions. Its hard and you are an example to me.

Finally, if you're in Utah County still, and are looking for a friend, I'm up for it.

Mallory said...

Wow, been a long time. Are you getting back into blogging because I am? ;)

Look. I love you. You know that, right? We've had our times, but try not to think that I have some underhanded thoughts about you. I've shared it all with you. Really? Yes. Because I love you.

Thank you for being so open and honest about all of this. A few things you've hinted at but have never really come out and said. So sorry to hear about your Bishop. Maybe this will be a time to grow! Maybe this new bishop will be able to help you further in some ways that your old bishop didn't think of. :)

I have a few other thoughts too but those start to get REAL personal so call me when you're up to it and we'll talk. :)

Jack-Jack said...

I love that you posted again.

I hope posting this made you feel better. And I hope you know that you are never alone in this.

playasinmar said...

I think Sean is right - isolate yourself from others including what friends you have left.

Why should your therapist be the only one trying to kill you?

Calvin said...

Whoa. I seriously thought that almost nobody would see this post. Thanks, all. This was a mood I got into last night which, to be honest, I was out of by the time I was halfway done writing the post.

playasinmar... lol. In two and a half years of seeing my therapist, I don't recall ever hearing a single negative thing about myself or about being gay. And, well, you obviously haven't been in the same grocery stores I have been in.

playasinmar said...

Don't play that game. Disagree with me if you must but don't play that game.

Never anything negative about gays nor anything bad about you, a gay?

Then what is being repaired?

Therapist thinks you're defective. Church thinks you're defective. But worst, you consent to being treated like a defect.

Justin said...
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Justin said...

I like movies that make me cry, too! (I can only think of one for sure [Hotwel Rwanda], but I wish there were more...)

Oh, I also like Gattaca, Coldplay, and Big Fish. And I think the Killers, but I don't remember.

I already consider us friends, P.S. Hope your summer's an adventure.

Justin

Justin said...

So, I deleted my post because I mispelled "hotel." And then I wrote it wrong again. Lol.

Aaron said...

Playasinmar,

I have no idea who you are. I'm worried that I somehow know you in real life and I'm gonna get myself in trouble but... do you really think you're helping, or do you just like being contentious?

I am going to assume that you really are trying to help. I can see where your coming from. I don't support reparative therapy myself. However I do support people and nothing that you claim is actually as simple as you say it is.

Personal decisions about what one will do with their life are complex, painful, and sometimes almost impossible to make. Just because certain spiritual matters mean nothing to you, doesn't mean that they are as easily discardable to others. This is a situation where Calvin really needs to do what HE feels is right, and it isn't as easy as calling him stupid for not choosing happiness. Since when did we start telling other people what will make them happy? That's one of the things I hate about religion, lets not do it here. Everything is so much more complicated and real then you're little diatribe about you're own personal beef. This is a mans life, not an opportunity for you to throw out a talking point.

Calvin,

I love you and respect you. I realize that you are being asked to choose between two things that you feel you cannot part with. But don't think that it is simple and easy for all of us. Even those of us that seems to have made decisions still struggle with them. But also know that you are not alone and that you bless so many lives. You bless mine at least.

You have no reason to feel guilty about anything. You are a brave man and you are doing the best you can with a horrible mess. Know that there are those that love you and will support and help you with anything you choose. If you are wrong in the end, then I will be proud to stand wrong by your side supporting you, even if i disagree, because your happiness is what matters.

And in that vein, search your life for the things that make you happy and thn, discard the things that don't. I know that is complicated, but a life lived in misery is not a life, and there is no reason people like you and I can't have happiness.... eventually. :)

Love you.

playasinmar said...

Do you feel contention to be antithetical to help? Truly?

"I do support people…" Could you make a more asinine statement?

I don't support people any more than I support cardboard. Fact of the matter is - this matter, not people in general - this poor sap is being savaged by a church that doesn't want him.

Savagery is the issue. And I don't support it.

playasinmar said...

I can't let it go at that.

"This is a situation where Calvin really needs to do what HE feels is right, and it isn't as easy as calling him stupid for not choosing happiness. Since when did we start telling other people what will make them happy? That's one of the things I hate about religion, lets not do it here."

Where do I even start?
1) Calvin needs to do what he feels is right…
2)He cannot be judged for not choosing happiness…
3)What is the basis for letting people choose happiness, anyway…
4)[choosing happiness] is one of the things I hate about religion.

Did I get that right? Because that sounds insane.

A religion that tells you to be miserable and tortures your psyche when you can't quite pull it off is no religion of God.

ControllerOne said...

I get the whole spending money makes me feel better thing. Story of my life. Problem is, I only feel better for a few minutes, and certainly not beyond the day I receive the credit card! On the other hand, I do truly like most of what I buy.

I've never completely understood the "reparative therapy" thing and it's seminal assumption that there is something to be repaired. As I see it, we are gay because, well, we are gay. Two basic choices then: Accept the church's teachings and find happiness in that life - which can be done. Or follow your nature and seek love with a member of the same sex. Either way, I just can't see happiness without accepting you are gay with nothing to "repair".

Good luck my friend. Just make sure you stick around. There's too much of interest happening not to be hear to see how it all turns out.

A Gay Mormon Boy said...

I know this is a random comment, but this reminds me of the brilliant song "I Hate Seagulls" by Kate Nash.

Randomness appreciated.

Ezra said...

I used to be very involved with the Moho community, but since I left the church and got a boyfriend, I've felt I had less to contribute because I can't relate as well as I used to to those turmoils. But here's my 2 cents, for what they are worth (probably less than 2 cents, adjusted for inflation)

EVERY MORMON BOY's patriarchal blessing tells them they will marry a woman. It's part of the Mormon life template. So don't think because you aren't going to and are not attracted to one means you did something wrong. It means that your Patriarch didn't know any better.

Secondly, you're 25. Every decision you make is your own, and you know this. If you don't feel reparative therapy is helpful (I firmly believe it isn't just unhelpful, but damaging, but that's for you to decide) then leave.

Lastly, I just want you to know that there are so many people who will love you unconditionally for who you are (a gay mormon man). I know it doesn't feel that way because you are currently surrounded by poisonous people--people who only will love you when you perform to their standards and rules.

I haven't read much of your blog, but I already know I'd be your friend and love you, support you no matter what you do. Anyone who attacks you for following your heart, whatever that may be, IS NOT your friend.

You will someday find that Mormonism does contains great truth, but that it is NOT "the truth" as you've been told. God's love and redeption cannot be found, because we are born with them, deep in our souls. He loves you, and wants you to be happy. If you can't find happiness where you are (it certainly doesn't sound like you are happy) then you need to do what WILL make you joyful, productive and exhaulting of God. And trust me, he will be pleased, and you will know a peace you've never felt before.

God bless you Calvin.

Ezra said...
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Ezra said...
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Ezra said...
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Kade said...

Oh man, Calvin, I don't know you nor have we ever meant, but as I read this I just wanted to hug you. You are so sweet, and it makes me so sad to see you so hurt. I only just stumbled upon your blog about five minutes ago, but I just want you to know that in that tiny glimpse that I've had of your life and personality, I've seen an amazing person with amazing heart. I know, I'm being a bit cheesy, but you really have touched me with your post. I really wish you the best in all things, and if you ever want to talk- whether it be to philosophize or rant or cry or laugh or just to make a new friend- I'd love to hear from you. I hope you are doing better now, and look forward to a new day. Best of luck

(my email is kadynw@gmail.com, if you wanted to take me up on that lol)

recover and thrive said...

I like that you "hate that you can't dance in people's living rooms" - that made me smile and laugh.

I hope that you love that you can make people smile and laugh - because you can

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