2007: My Year in Review (Part 2)

(First, one experience from May that I forgot to mention: Hidden wants to take me to see Carol Lynn Pearson's Facing East in Salt Lake; after finding out that we've procrastinated buying tickets until they're already sold out, we resort to creating a poster that says something like, "Desperate for Facing East tickets... We love you, Carol Lynn" and sitting outside the theatre all day. Soon, we have ushers and members of the theatre company doing what they can to help us. The director of the play invites us inside and (after telling us that what we're doing is technically illegal) promises that we will be the first to get any tickets that open up. He takes a photo of us and mentions that he might put it on the company's website. I think, "Oh, crap." We eventually get tickets and I meet Carol Lynn.)

In the second half of 2007, I had fewer large, distinct experiences relating to my homosexuality. If the first half of the year consisted of big steps upward, the last half was kind of a steady slide downward. It was a slide that even seemed to manifest itself in other areas of my life, such as grades and spirituality. It will be easier to talk about the experiences by focusing on topics rather than time periods.

I was incredibly excited to live with my friends, but to my dismay, the whole thing seemed to crash before it even took off. One roommate seemed almost nonexistent and I spoke about twenty words to him before he moved out for reasons I never really figured out.

There were certainly a number of positive aspects of the situation. We did plenty of group cuddling while watching movies, we sometimes went to church together, and we invited other Mohos over with little fear of what we said or did. Still, things began to fall apart. I had a good friendship with one roommate, but the relationship soured more quickly than any I'd ever experienced. We had been BFFs, but now we're uncomfortable spending more than five minutes in the same room with each other.

For some reason I almost completely stopped seeing or doing things with Mohos other than my roommates. The Matis firesides became my small connection to the outside world, but even there I began feeling out of place; I felt like I wasn't gay enough to fit in with all the hugging and lisping going on.

Along with all of this, I wasn't doing the things necessary to keep up on my spiritual health and I knew it. Prayer, one resource I could always turn to, became somewhat boring as I wondered what to say. Church seemed as lonely as ever.

Near the end of the year, I found myself with a roommate that had essentially "gone gay," a roommate who was dating my best friend, and a roommate whose Pakistani food stunk up my entire wardrobe. I was drowning in school and faced letter grades I had never encountered before. The blogging world had become dark and cold, with more Ho than Mo.

My time at home for the Christmas vacation was spent unwinding and refocusing. Strong evidence suggests that my siblings are not ready to know about me (Mom, upon seeing Elton John on TV: "Oh, I like his music." Older sister: "Mom, he's gay!), and that my parents don't really understand what I experience. But I was suddenly able to pray long, heartfelt prayers again. I set goals to make 2008 something different from the dark times of the previous year.

Here at the beginning of 2008, I find myself standing, weak and unsure though my footing may be. Some things have begun to heal; some things hurt even more. Somehow the difficulties that come with the effort to live a righteous life seem worth it. The anguish leads me to rely on the only One I can rely on. I'm slowly reassembling the pieces of a broken life, trying to be okay with the fact that some pieces will always be missing. Ha, and searching for new roommates for this fall.

5 comments:

Romulus said...

Oh, Calvin, I hope you're doing better. While we don't know each other that well, you can always come to me, if you need to.

draco said...

No matter what decisions you make, things are probably going to be difficult. This might sound lame and trite, but so much of our emotional and spiritual well being depends on our attitudes. Charlotte's words of wisdom:

"Chin up!
Chin up!
Everybody loves a happy face,
Wear it
Share it
It'll brighten up the darkest place!
Twinkle!
Sparkle!
Let a little sunshine it!
You'll be happy-hearted
Once you get started
Up with your chinny-chin
Chin up!"

One of So Many said...

I think 2008 is shaping up to being an...interesting year for so many of us...

Remus said...

Wow, I was going to say almost the exact thing as Romulus. But in all seriousness (and jest as I always do), if you need to talk, I'm here. I was glad to see you the other day at the Creamery. I have been feeling very disconnected from Moho's in general where I was evaluating my friendship with each one and wondering why I was friends with them.
Just don't feel lonely, because there are a lot of people out there that love you for who you are, being straight or gay. I'm come to the conclusion that friends are friends no matter where they come from.

Kathryn said...

Sounds like you have an interesting life. I wish you the best of luck in finding a new room-mate and resolving your dilemmas.
I would encourage you to keep up with the blogging, too. I appreciate that others are also having a confusing year...