Sunday Will Come

Today has been my favorite Easter yet. In some ways that's surprising-- it's my first without family or as a missionary; it's my first without an Easter basket. But recent significant events in life have made it my first real Easter.

This past September I finally looked my same-gender attraction in the face and decided to do something about it. It was the most frightening thing I've ever done. What followed was some of the deepest anguish and confusion I had yet experienced. With some outside help, I was able to stop hating myself. Finally, within the past few weeks, I started the process of seeking help from close friends. I've seen incredible changes as I come to terms with everything. The crying hasn't stopped, though.

As I began accepting myself for who I am, attractions and all, I was scared of what the future held. I couldn't fully trust myself. So I decided early, and I continue to decide often, that my testimony comes first; that whatever the difficulty, I will stay true to what I absolutely know and that I will never turn my back on the Savior.

This past Friday marked the first time I've had any association with people I knew were gay and who knew I was gay. It put me in a mood all weekend that I can't figure out. That's perhaps a topic for a different post. Owing to the fact that I was in a very thoughtful state, and that I had forgotten to fast two weeks ago, I decided to fast on Saturday evening.

As I started my fast, I committed to try harder to overcome the weaknesses that I often give in to. I promised that I would stop defining myself solely by this problem, but by my other other talents and the fact that I am a child of God. I acknowledged that staying on the path I've committed to live will be harder than I can fathom. I acknowledged that it would require a miracle. I decided that it's worth it, in order to receive the gift of a family of my own, either in this life or after I am released through death, to keep the covenants I've made.

Today is the first Easter I finally understand the significance of the Resurrection. It's the first time I can look forward to the Resurrection with perfect hope. It's the first Easter I can thank my Savior with my entire heart for that gift.

A ward member today reminded us of Elder Wirthlin's talk from last conference about the Resurrection. Elder Wirthlin referred to the dark Friday on which Jesus Christ suffered and then died for us, and to the resulting doom and despair. Then he spoke about the following Sunday on which Christ rose triumphant from the grave.

"Each of us will have our own Fridays—those days when the universe itself seems shattered and the shards of our world lie littered about us in pieces. We all will experience those broken times when it seems we can never be put together again. We will all have our Fridays.

"But I testify to you in the name of the One who conquered death—Sunday will come. In the darkness of our sorrow, Sunday will come."

I don't know what life will bring. I don't know what I'll do with this blog. I guess I'll just use it to document my feelings and experiences as I wait for my Sunday.


Malarory said...

Thank you for sharing so much with me. And I know through the help we can give each other, our Sundays will come. Stay true. :)

Virginia said...

Good for people to know.