Taken to Trial

I guess it's been a full three weeks since I last posted. I swear I've wanted to post things but always manage to put it off. I've realized that my blog is becoming no different than any other journal I've tried to keep-- I don't recall ever keeping a journal for more than about a month straight, even on my mission. I'm glad that at least I have recorded my experiences in coming out to my parents. That was the main event that I was looking forward to record as I started the blog. Those were kind of official, well-thought-out posts and I think they unintentionally drew me away from more of a journally feel. So, to get back into posting, I've decided to delay all the serious topics that I've been wanting to write about and have some fun.

Partially inspired by by Original Mohomie's list of signs, I've started to think of evidences for and against me being gay/SSA'd. If I were in a courtroom where I was suspected of being gay, this is the material I'd expect either side to use. These are just some things I thought of after a few minutes, so the lists will definitely grow with time. It's interesting, though, that several of them are pretty recent; it will be interesting to record where I am now and compare it to my earlier and later self.

EVIDENCE FOR:
-I've unknowingly started using glittery lotion. The words "soft shimmer" and even "infused with subtle light reflectors" didn't tip me off. The first time I wore it happened to be the first time I met Danish Boy and he exclaimed, "How cool-- you sparkle!" or something like that, after which Hidden looked at me and said, "You are so gay."
-I have, in a hidden folder on my computer separate from my "straight" music, a collection of music by artists such as Aqua, Backstreet Boys, Clay Aiken, Kylie Minogue, Madonna, and S Club 7.
-Behind my bed is a secret stash of books including In Quiet Desperation, Carol Lynn Pearson's No More Goodbyes, Kim Mack's The Unconquerable Soul, and Jason Park's Resolving Homosexual Problems.
-I'd rather watch one episode of So You Think You Can Dance than a lifetime of sports games.
-Total items in my roommate's medicine cabinet: 6. Total items in my medicine cabinet: 39.
-My web browser checks every four hours for RSS feeds from 31 blogs written by gay Mormons.
-A large portion of my wardrobe is from Express Men; it also includes five scarves and eleven pairs of shoes.
-Three of the last four friends I've had over are feminine enough to cause suspicion. The fourth one happens to be gay too.
-Every look in the mirror includes time spent looking for pluckable eyebrow hairs.
-I was recently enjoying (really enjoying) my first listen to Mika's album Life in Cartoon Motion when I started realizing how gay the album is, especially the song about Billy Brown falling in love with another man. The song about big girls then reminded me of my several of my friends.
-Also on my computer is a collection of 42 music videos or live performances by Britney Spears, totalling 1.5 GB. Wow. Wow.

EVIDENCE AGAINST:
-Musicals just don't do it for me. I felt no deep connection to Mean Girls either.
-I apparently walk like a straight man. I've been told by a reliable source that I couldn't be pegged by my walk.
-I kissed a girl a few weeks ago!
-When it comes to noticing other people's advances, I'm known to be as thick-skulled as any SSG.
-I wore socks with sandals until 2003.
-My favorite music video is The Pussycat Dolls' Buttons (Hey, hot is hot!).
-Shoe shopping is boring to me.
-I have no desire to rid myself of body hair unless, one day, I find it on my back.
-I get crushes on some girls and am nervous talking to them.
-Most people I come out to tell me they never would have guessed. If everyone in the world assumes I'm straight, that's got to mean something, right??

Unfortunately, it looks like the prosecution has pretty strong evidence. Ah, who cares? The facts can be wrong sometimes. That one guy on the jury is pretty cute, though.

13 comments:

Danish Boy said...

Hey Man,

So yeah I think that it is great you were able to come to the little get together. I enjoyed getting to meet you and of course gimple and hidden. It was a very nice little get together. I hope I didn't embarass you with the whole glitter thingy. Also I didn't mean to overreact when you lifted your shirt it was just such an odd thing to see someone doing inside a restaurant. :) Thanks for sharing your story.

Gimple said...

I have a question for you. Am I the 4th non-feminine one? Please say yes! I don't think that I am feminine, actually I know that I am not! Also, I love S Club 7 too! We should totally have S Club Parties in our room (in the future)! If it helps, I would never think that you were gay. Thanks for being a hilariously funny friend! :)

PS Those hard-on cookies were delicious!

John said...

hard-on cookies?!??

I loved this post! Very informative :) I also recently got into Mika (or at least the Grace Kelly song... is the rest good?) But nothing from Mean Girls??? Nothing?!?!?

It would've never have worked between us...

Gimple said...

Two more things, you can't forget Beyonce in Deja Vu. Her tribal dance is amazingly hot! Then Shakira and Beyonce in Beautiful Liar. They can really shake their hips! HOT!

Calvin, I'll let you explain the hard-on cookies to John, if you want to. Otherwise it will be our little secret and inside joke! :)

calvin said...

Gimple-- Yes, you're the non-feminine one. Congratulations.

John-- I also liked Grace Kelly first and then discovered that all of the songs on the album are just as catchy. It's unlike anything else I listen to but I can't help liking it.

The hard-on cookies... Um, I was eating a cookie we had made and Gimple asked how it was. Gimple will have to fill in the rest because I don't remember what I answered nor what he thought I said.

Hidden said...

I love that I am worthy enough to be considered "a reliable source"

I also think it's hilarious that most of this stuff has come up in conversation when I've been there.

But you never told me your crushed on girls. *shakes head* I knew you were lying about being gay. You just don't shake your hips enough when you walk.

~Hidden

Gimple said...

The cookies had been sitting out overnight and Calvin said something to this effect, "We should have covered them up because they are hard and ... good." I wasn't really listening carefully and Calvin had cookie in his mouth so I thought that he said they were "hard-on good." Hence we now have hard-on cookies!

I'm glad that I'm the non-feminine one! Hooray! :D

MoHoHawaii said...

I'm sorry... glittery lotion is as strong as DNA evidence. You hereby stand convicted.

:-)

Brady said...

Seriously, that's a pretty strong case against you. I didn't know about your gay music fetish and secret book collection. I would've never known....

calvin said...

Mohohawaii, I swear the glittery lotion was only a free sample that came with moisturizer I had bought. Of course, the fact that I bought moisturizer is also pretty incriminating. Plus, I can't say I've stopped using that lotion...

Danish Boy said...

Hey Calvin if you want really good moisturizer then you should use nivea pure moisture. It is really good for dry skin or just for regular skin but I completely understand if you want to stay with the glitter. :)

Gimple said...

Are you still going to loosen up my buttons tonight?

Charlie said...

I knew about your music, and your books, and the glittery lotion doesn't surprise me. And just because you can dress well doesn't mean anything... but shoe shopping is now boring for me too AND I'M A GIRL! It's only boring cause my feet are so messed up nothing works.

Oh and I'm sorry I taught you how to pluck your eyebrows--I bet you're absolutely obsessed.

And did you mean Porn is Porn instead of hot is hot for the pussycat dolls video? Cause I'm sure that's what you meant. :)