Telling My Parents - Part 1

I apologize for the length, but this blog's main purpose is a journal-- so that's what kind of posts I'm going to put in it. I decided to post what I've written so far because the rest of the story will have to wait until tomorrow.

Tomorrow marks one week since telling my parents about my SGA. I’ve been scared to write about it because I’ve worked it up to be a bigger project than it needs to be. I’m just going to write it so it doesn’t end up become something like my big unwritten last-day-of-my-mission journal entry/final testimony (tomorrow also happens to mark one year since I was supposed to write that).

In a lot of ways, the moment came much earlier than I ever expected it to. I had been planning for it to happen after returning from Japan at the end of August. A quick change of plans gave me six days at home immediately after finals. My thoughts throughout most of the 14-hour drive home were filled with planning words, speculating about reactions, and wondering how the trip home had come up so quickly.

My dad works in a different state and wouldn’t come home until Thursday night. Because I was slightly distrustful of my ability to find a perfect moment to talk to both of my parents over the weekend, I told my mom after arriving home on Wednesday that I wanted to speak with them on either Thursday or Friday. Much to my chagrin, even the simple task of telling her that I wanted to talk was awkward and difficult—not because of the planned subject matter, but because of the nature of the relationship I had with my parents. I can only recall a handful of serious conversations I’ve had with either of them, none of which were initiated by me. My mom was visibly startled at my request and began guessing what I wanted to talk about. I expressed to her how disappointing it was that even wanting to “talk” was jarring for both of us.

Thursday and most of Friday came and went with no opportunities arising. I was half relieved and half let down. On Friday morning I was flipping channels on TV and stopped briefly on one of those Christian stations to chuckle at a man healing people by making them collapse on stage. It then cut to the same guy talking to the camera. “Today,” he said, “I simply want you to know that God loves you. He loves you in whatever situation you may be in. If we learn to trust him, he will support us.” I felt kind of bad for chuckling.

With the hope that the talk would somehow happen Friday evening, I stepped outside and called Drex, Salad, and Hidden for our planned pep talk. I’m now a firm believer in pep talks! I hung up the phone with a much needed feeling of peace and calmness that replaced the almost physical sickness I had been experiencing. I talked to my mom about talking; unfortunately, my dad had already gone to sleep and I wondered out loud if it should just wait until August. My mom told me she was much too curious now to put it off, especially after I told her that we would need more than just one day to talk about it. We set the time to talk for 9:00 the next morning. This time it would definitely happen.

I woke up with less than a “go get ‘em” attitude but was ready soon after 9:00 and lay down on the couch to stop myself from pacing. An entire hour passed and my nervousness had half turned to hopelessness. I could have gone and gathered my parents but they seemed busy, and… No, I probably couldn’t have done it. However, they finally walked into the room and were ready to talk. My thought was not, “Finally!” but rather, “Wow, this moment came faster than I expected.”

I had planned my first question: What do you think I want to talk about? My mom said she thought I was going to ask permission to date or marry a girl. My dad thought for a bit and said he thought I wanted money. I wish it were that easy! I hadn’t planned the next part well and the awkwardness was thick in the air. I mentioned something about how difficult the past eight months have been because of an issue I was dealing with; then, looking out the window, managed to say, “For as long as I can remember, through no choice of my own, I’ve been more attracted to guys than to girls” (Thanks to Drex for that line!). After I had said it, I felt fine. The nerves went away and I looked at my parents. “That’s it,” I said.